Retreat

Yesterday, I had the pleasure of going to an all-day retreat at Oak Openings, a very lovely group of metroparks in our area. The group at the retreat was made up of group leaders for our various small groups, and since I will be co-leading our couples group this year, I decided to go.

Our morning speaker, Pastor Bryan Hochhalter (Grace Community Church, Detroit) had an excellent message for us, focusing on the weaknesses of gender. He gave us astonishing statistics, showing that a majority of women in churches have extremely low levels of self-worth. His second session focused on men. The results of his survey with men (the same he had used with women), were not as clear, but when stepping back and looking more carefully, he found that men were mired in fear. This fear manifested itself in a wide variety of ways, but it was clear that fear was the main reason men did not want to get more involved in church (or small groups, for that matter).

He then challenged us to think about what we could do with this information. In my mind, the key to meeting both the needs of men and women in the group is by being transparent. One way to be transparent is to open up and offer authentic positive feedback on a regular basis. People need to hear the positive things others think about them. Personally, I need work on this, both in my group and in my life. I am not very free with my compliments, even though I generally think very positively about people. I am much more free with criticism. I am not sure why this is, but that's the way I've been most of my life. I recognize it, though, so I need to continue to work on this area of my life. The key, though, is to offer authentic praise, not empty praise. People are usually pretty good at discerning when they are having smoke blown their way, and they are more acutely aware of this when they have low self-worth. I learned long ago that a simple word of encouragement or a simple, honest compliment can go a long way towards helping another person feel important.

We also need to be transparent about our own missteps and falterings. Those men who fear feeling stupid or less than manly need to hear that others feel the same way at some time in their lives. No one is perfect, and as a leader, openly sharing my own inadequacies can help others feel more accepted in the group. We all struggle in life, but many keep their struggles close to the vest.

Small groups are meant to foster and build deep and meaningful relationships, and the only way to forge this type of friendship is by becoming exponentially transparent to those around us. It's dangerous to open yourself up like this, but the benefits far outweigh the dangers. I hope that I can grow in this area and use these ideas to facilitate our group in a loving, productive way.